DAVID ESTES’ REACTS TO GENERAL PETRAEUS RESIGNATION
The resignation of General David Petraeus, head of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), dominated the media the last few days. Davis Estes, Director of the CIA’s Counterterrorism Center and rumored successor to Petraeus, reacted to the news to Petraeus’ departure from the agency loudly, “It’s absolutely unbelievable, I mean, this man was my hero”. Estes, along with the rest of the country, is in shock upon hearing the allegations of marital infidelity behind Petraeus’ resignation, “finding out that he resigned because he was having an affair was, frankly, very disappointing. I did not expect something so mediocre, I thought it was because of the Benghazi situation.”
Pending the search for a permanent replacement, the President has named acting director Michael Morrell to lead the agency. Morrell has assured the nation that he is a completely asexual human being, and that he does not engage in any sexual acts whatsoever. When prompted for a comment regarding Morrell’s statement, Estes stated that he will not misrepresent himself just for a directorship, “This is the CIA, marital infidelities come with the gig, it is in our handbook for Pete’s sake!” Furthermore, Estes indicated that if Morrell claims to be completely asexual, it should be questioned how effective he would be at permanently directing the agency, “You have to wonder about people like Morrell, I mean, he is basically a priest. You may jump to your own conclusions at this time, if you know what I mean.” When questioned regarding a previous allegation of an extramarital affair, Estes was perfectly candid, “there’s a reason why I’m divorced, and now it is out in the open, so no one should expect me to resign over something so ordinary as having an affair, unless it is with a terrorist.”